yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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