if i can run in heels then i can drive
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
