How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize