Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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