Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
