you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
