Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize