i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
