id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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