i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
