I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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