I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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