Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
