nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
