So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
