I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
