i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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