Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
