You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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