I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
