So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
