i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
