last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
