i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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