It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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