Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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