She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
