That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
