so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
