i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
