I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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