is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
