you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
