Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my shit smells like andre
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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