Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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