ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
