The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Still dying that you shit outside
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
