"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
