So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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