dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
