Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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