Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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