nut hugger
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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