Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
