My pussy is not your playground.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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