I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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