so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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