The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
