did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
