life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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