Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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