FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
