That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
this hospital has no fireball
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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