I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
