Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the day after is always just damage control
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
